Archive 360: Memorable quotes from the Laurel & Hardy films

Habeas Corpus

Stan: "Don't you think the professor is a trifle cuckoo ?"

Ollie: "He is as sound mentally as you or I."

Ollie gives his opinion about the professor who has asked them to steal a corpse from the graveyard.

Unaccustomed As We Are

"You know, there's a right and wrong way to do everything."

Ollie gives a lecture on common sense moments before walking into a gas filled kitchen with a lighted match.

Perfect Day

Ollie: "Why don't you do something to help me ?"

Stan: "What can I do ?"

Ollie: "Throw out the clutch. That's easy."

Stan takes Ollie literally and instead of releasing the clutch pedal, throws it out of the car instead.

Bacon Grabbers

"That hot Corsican blood of yours is always getting' us in trouble."

Ollie quashes Stan's plan to throw a brick through the window so they can get the radio set.

The Hoosegow

(title card reads 'Neither Mr Laurel nor Mr Hardy had any thoughts of wrong doing - As a matter of fact, they had no thoughts of any kind -')

"Here, you can't do any harm with that."

Ollie hands Stan a spade just before getting whacked on the head with it.

Night Owls

"I believe you're getting old and nutty."

The exasperated police chief tells his butler (Fin) exactly what he thinks of him.

Notes:

The Spanish language version of this film, “Ladrones”, became the very first talkie in Spanish ever shown in Argentina when its exhibitor, Max Glücksmann, presented it in the city of Mar del Plata in February, 1930.

When Laurel and Hardy toured British music halls in the 1950s, Stan Laurel reworked the plot of this short into a stage sketch titled “A Spot of Trouble”.

This was Edgar Kennedy’s final supporting role in a Laurel and Hardy film at the Roach film studio; he would not appear with the team again until Air Raid Wardens, released 13 years later.

It was the first film to use their celebrated theme tune, the ‘ku-ku’ song, written by Marvin Hatley.

Blotto

Stan: "We drank your liqueur."

Mrs Laurel: "That wasn't liqueur, it was cold tea."

The Boy's get riotously drunk before discovering their drinks were non alcoholic.

Notes:

The number Oliver Hardy calls to reach Stan Laurel (OXford-0614) was Laurel’s real phone number.

This is the only Laurel and Hardy film in which Stan Laurel’s character is married and Oliver Hardy’s is not.

This film was simultaneously produced in a Spanish language version, La Vida nocturna (1930) and a French language version, Une nuit extravagante (1930) with the actors speaking their own lines. Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy read their lines from cue cards on which the appropriate language was printed phonetically. At the time of early talkies, dubbing was not yet practical.

Brats

"You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead."

Stan prophesises as to how to get the kids to behave.

Below Zero

(title card reads 'The freezing winter of '29 will long be remembered - Mr Hardy's nose was so blue, Mr Laurel shot it for a jaybird -')

Woman: "About how much money do you boys average a street ?"

Ollie: "I would say about fifty cents a street."

Woman: "There's a dollar. Move down a couple of streets."

The Boys musical talents aren't appreciated by everyone.

Ollie: "Bring me a parfait."

Stan: "Put one on my steak too."

Stan's table manners fail to impress.

Hog Wild

(title card reads 'Mr Hardy was beginning to forget things but Mr Laurel had no fear of losing his memory - As a matter of fact, Mr Laurel never had a memory to lose -')

Stan: "Do you mind if I help you ?"

Ollie: "I don't mind ... that is if you'll help me."

A reluctant Ollie agrees to let Stan help him rig up an aerial on the roof.

Another Fine Mess

(title card reads 'Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy have many ups and downs - Mr Hardy takes charge of the upping, and Mr Laurel does most of the downing -')

Ollie: "Call me a cab."

Stan: "You're a cab."

Ollie's request for a taxi is taken literally by Stan.

Be Big

(title card reads 'Mr Hardy is a man of great care, caution and discretion - Mr Laurel is married too -')

Cookie: No man is bigger than the excuses he makes to his wife. So… BE BIG.

Ollie: "Let’s get together. There's nothing to getting a boot off. You don't have to drag me around the room. It's most embarrassing. Let's concentrate and use our brains. Rome wasn't built in a day. Remember the old adage; a task slowly done is surely done."

Stanley Laurel: [Nods]

Oliver Hardy: "Do you understand?"

Stan: "Sure. A cool head never won fair lady."

Ollie discusses the merits of taking off his boot with Stan.

Chickens Come Home

(title card reads 'Every man has a past with some little indiscretion he would like to bury - Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy have thirty or forty they would like to cremate -')

Introductory Card: Every man has a past - with some little “indiscretion” he would like to bury - Mr. Laurel and Mr. Hardy have 30 or 40 they would like to cremate.

Sign on door: Laurel & Hardy, “Dealers in High-Grade Fertilizer”

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Where have you been?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): I was in the sample room.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): [refusing blackmail request] No sir, not one penny, not even a nickel, not one kopeck!

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Oh, Gabriel, blow your horn.

Mrs. Hardy (Thelma Todd): And how is Mrs. Laurel?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Oh, Fine, Thank you.
Mrs. Hardy (Thelma Todd): I’d love to meet her some time.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Neither do I to.

Stan's reply leaves Mrs Hardy puzzled.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well…
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Here’s another nice mess I got you into.

Stanley (Stan Laurel): What about my wife?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Call her up and tell her I’m working!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): You don’t know my wife. She’ll never believe that.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): If she was dumb enough to marry you, she’ll believe anything!

Busybody: Far be it for me, Mrs Laurel, to talk about anybody, but… don’t trust any man. I’ve had five of ‘em, and I know!

Stanley (Stan Laurel): Do you mind if I smoke?
Oliver’s Blackmailer (Mae Busch): I don’t care if you burn up!

Stanley (Stan Laurel): [as blackmailer is trying to wrest the telephone from him] Hey Ollie, you’ll have to hurry! I can’t get organized!

Oliver’s Blackmailer (Mae Busch): Give me that key!

Notes:

This film was also simultaneously produced with Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy, and a Spanish speaking supporting cast and released as Politiquerías (1931). Laurel and Hardy read their lines from cue cards on which Spanish was printed phonetically. At the time of early talkies, dubbing was not yet practical.

‘Chickens Come Home’ is a “three-reel’ sound remake of the two-reel silent, ‘Love ‘Em And Weep’ from 1927, which was also made at the Hal Roach Studios. Oliver Hardy (who had a bit part as a judge in the silent) plays the featured part, which was originally played by James Finlayson in the silent version. Finlayson is relegated to the small part of the butler in the sound version. Stan Laurel and Mae Busch play the same parts in both films.

Laughing Gravy

"Don't keep doing that. You sound like a seal."

Ollie gets annoyed with Stan's constant hiccups.

Notes:

The “inheritance” plotline (cut from the original release) was restored from the workprint discovered in 1985.

“Laughing Gravy” was the actual name of the little dog. It made numerous appearances in Hal Roach productions.

This film, along with Be Big! (1931), were simultaneously produced in Spanish language versions, and the two shorts were edited together into one continuous film Calaveras, Los (1931). Laurel and Hardy read their lines from cue cards on which Spanish was written phonetically. At the time of early talkies, dubbing was not yet perfected. The same was done for a French language version, Carottiers, Les (1931).

A deleted end sequence lasting around ten minutes, Stan receiving news of a vast inheritance and discussing with Ollie how and if he could share it, was rediscovered in 1985, and has subsequently been released on video and DVD; the shorter two-reel version ended with the landlord committing suicide.

Our Wife

(Title card reads 'Mr Hardy was making big preparations to get married - Mr Laurel was taking a bath too -')

Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Goodbye, Ducky Lover.
Dulcy: Goodbye, Dimple Dumpling.

Mrs. Gladding: What do you want?
Stan Laurel: What do we want?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): We wanna get married.
Stan Laurel: Oh yeah, we wanna get married.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Not we, us!
Stan Laurel: Not we. Us.
Mrs. Gladding: Well, how about it?
Stan Laurel: How about it?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): How about what?
Stan Laurel: How about what?
Mrs. Gladding: What are you talking about?
Stan Laurel: What are you talking about?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Tell her we want to get married!
Stan Laurel: We want to get married.

Stan faithfully repeats Ollie's request to the JP's daughter.

Mrs. Gladding: Hey! There’s a couple out here that wants to get married, Pa!
William Gladding, Justice of the Peace (Ben Turpin): Okay, I’ll be right up!
Mrs. Gladding: He’ll be right up.
Stan Laurel: Who?
Mrs. Gladding: The… Who!
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Well how about it?
Stan Laurel: How about what?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): What did she say?
Stan Laurel: Who?

Come Clean

(title card reads 'Mr Hardy holds that every husband should tell his wife the whole truth - Mr Laurel is crazy too -')

Ollie: "Go into the kitchen and get me a pitcher."

(Stan returns carrying a frame)Ollie: "What's that ?"

Stan: "A picture."

A slight misunderstanding when Ollie needs a jug to buy ice cream.

One Good Turn

[after their tent has gone up in flames]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well, our earthly possessions are slowly getting less and less.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): We haven’t tasted food for three whole days.
Old lady (Mary Carr): Three whole days!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Yes ma’am. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): One good turn deserves another.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): So do I neither.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): What do you mean, “so do I neither”?

Stanley (Stan Laurel): I don’t know anything about cutting wood.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well, you ought to. You once told me your father was in the lumber business.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Well, I know he was but it was only in a small way.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): What do you mean small way?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Well, he ... he used to sell toothpicks.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well, go ahead and make some toothpicks. Be a chip off of the old block.

The Boys argue over who should chop the wood.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Now I see it all.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): What?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): “What”. Don’t try to alibi. You know you stole this money from that old lady. Why guilt is written all over you.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): What do you mean?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): I mean that you’re going to give this money back and make a full confession!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): A confession of what?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): And to think after all these years I’ve been fostering a common theif. A viper in my bosom!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Whose bosom? What are you talking about?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Don’t try to bluff me! To think you would bite the hand that was feeding you. You snake in the grass. You traitor! You sheep in wool clothing. You double-crosser. You judist! You… You...!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Stop! Don’t call me a “You-you”.

Old lady: [Ollie shoves Stan through the door] What on earth is the matter?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Madam, my one-time friend Mr. Laurel has a confession to make.
Old lady: Confession?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Yes. He’s the one who stole your money and left you at the mercy of that villain!
Old lady: There must be some mistake.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): There’s no mistake. It’s all too true. Why I caught him red handed.
Old lady: There hasn’t been any money stolen. We were just rehearsing a play for the community players.
[laughs]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): [after long pause; nervously twiddles his tie] I must have made a faux pas.
[laughs; Stan proceeds to beat Ollie up]

Notes:

The finale in the film, where Stan retaliates against Ollie, was inspired by Stan’s daughter, Lois. After Lois had seen so many movies in which Ollie mistreated Stan, she became fearful of Ollie (known to her as “Uncle Babe"). So, Stan decided to write a scene that showed his character could stand up for himself. After that, Lois got along just fine with Ollie.

"One twenty five."

Stan shouts out the time in the middle of an auction.

Beau Hunk

Opening narrative panel: Love comes: Mr. Hardy is at last conscious of the grand passion—Mr. Laurel is isn’t even conscious of the Grand Canyon.

Ollie (Oliver Hardy): I’m going to be married.
Stan (Stan Laurel): You don’t believe me.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Yes I don’t beli- what do you mean you don’t believe me?!

Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Didn’t I just tell you I was going to be married?
Stan (Stan Laurel): Who to?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Why, a woman of course. Did you ever hear of anybody marrying a man?
Stan (Stan Laurel): Sure.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Who?
Stan (Stan Laurel): My sister.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): This is no time for levity

The Boys have a discussion about Ollie's impending engagement.

Ollie (Oliver Hardy): She’s the sweetest girl in the world, and she’s mine, all mine. Well what do you think of it?
Stan (Stan Laurel): What does ‘levity’ mean?

[There’s a knock at the door. Stan picks up the phone]
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): What are you doing?
Stan (Stan Laurel): There’s somebody knocking on the phone.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): See? That’s levity.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Hello, Mr. Levity?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Answer the door! “Mr. Levity”. Mmph!

[Ollie sighing after Stan reads to him the letter from Jeanie-Weenie]
Stan (Stan Laurel): What’s the matter?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Didn’t you read it?
Stan (Stan Laurel): Yeah but I wasn’t listening.

Commandant: You there, what is your number?
Stan (Stan Laurel): Hollywood-4368.

Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Come, Stanley.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Where we going?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): We’re going where we can forget!
Stan (Stan Laurel): What do you mean WE’VE got to forget?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): None of your business, let’s go!

Helpmates

"The doctor said I might get hydrophosphates."

Stan explains to Ollie why he missed the party.

Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Why weren’t you at the party last night?
Stan (Stan Laurel): I couldn’t make it. I was bitten by a dog.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): I can’t understand you. Spell it.
Stan (Stan Laurel): A dog bit me. B-I-it me. Bit me.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Where?
Stan (Stan Laurel): [Rolls up sleeve and puts the telephone to the injured area] They had to take me to the hospital last night and they said I might have hydrophosphates.

Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Listen, I’m in a slight predicament. My wife’s coming home at noon today unexpectedly. And just look at this house.
Stan (Stan Laurel): [sees the mess] What’s the matter with it?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): What’s the matter with it? You never met my wife, have you?
Stan (Stan Laurel): Yes, I never did.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): What do you mean “Yes I never did”?
[shows him wedding photo]
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): That’s my wife.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Isn’t she sweet.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Charming.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Where is your wife?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): She’s in Chicago with her mother.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Is she having a nice time?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Sure she’s having a nice time, she’s been gone for more than a week, I- I don’t care whether she’s having a nice time or not! What I mean is that if she comes home and sees the house like this, she’ll know that I’ve been throwing a wild party!

Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Shut up and get this mess cleaned up! Do you know that my wife will be home at noon!
Stan (Stan Laurel): Say, what do you think I am, Cinderella? If I had any sense I’d walk out on you.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Well it’s a good thing you haven’t any sense!
Stan (Stan Laurel): It certainly is!

The Boys argue over the workload with Stan coming off for the worse.

Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Do you realise that this is the only suit I’ve got left? It’s enough to make a man burst out crying.
[Stan starts to cry]
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Shut Up! Don’t you realise my wife will be home at noon?

Ollie (Oliver Hardy): [shouts] Hello!
Mrs. Hardy: Don’t you yell at me. I’m not deaf!
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Oh, hello, honey baby. Where are you?
Mrs. Hardy: Where am I? I’m down here at the railroad station. And if I stay here much longer they’ll put me in the roundhouse.
Stan: "Well I guess there's nothing else I can do."

Ollie: "No, I guess not."

With Ollie's house completely burnt to the ground, the ever-helpful Stan offers to leave.

Notes for Helpmates Laurel and Hardy film

The studio actually built a five-room facade on an empty lot in Culver City, and then burned it down to shoot the final scenes of this short.

At one point Stan Laurel gives out a phone number, and it was his own personal number at the time.

Any Old Port

(title card reads 'Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy were just home from a whaling voyage - Mr Hardy shipped as head harpooner - Mr Laurel went along as bait -')

"We'd like a room with a southern explosion."

Stan asks for a room with a southern exposure.

Stan: "Can you beat that ?"

Ollie: "What ?"

Stan: "What a terrible cat's after me."

Stan offers a cryptic exclamation when he finds out about Mugsy's engagement.

The Music Box

(title card reads 'Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy decided to re-organise and re-supervise their entire financial structure - So they took the $3.80 and went into business -')

"Hey listen. Don't you think you're bounding over your steps ?"

Stan tells the policeman he's overstepping his bounds.

The Chimp

Title card: Mr. Laurel never got any further than the monkey cage. Mr. Hardy’s aesthetic nature thrilled at the beauties of circus life.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): That settles it! That’s the last time that I’m gonna to be in this end of the horse!
Stan (Stan Laurel): Well I can’t go in there.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Why?
Stan (Stan Laurel): Well you look better in that end than I do.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Do you mean to insinuate that I look like a horse’s ... [interrupted]

Ollie's ample physique perfectly suits the rear end of the pantomime horse.

Title Card: The night was dark—they usually are

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well, I can’t sleep with the monkey!
Stan (Stan Laurel): Oh, she doesn’t mind. [to Ethel] You don’t mind sleeping with Ollie, do you? [to Ollie] No, she doesn’t.

Stan (Stan Laurel): It might get cold and die of ammonia.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): He means pu-monia.
Billy Gilbert: I don’t care if you all die of pu-monia!

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Now why did you come running in there with the monkey?
Stan (Stan Laurel): I just saw MGM.

Title card: 3 o’clock—if nothing happens, it will soon be 3:30

County Hospital

Stanley (Stan Laurel): I didn’t have anything else to do, so I thought I’d drop in and see you.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): [seeing that Stan has brought him a present] What have you got there?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): I've brought you some hard boiled eggs and some nuts.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Now you know I can't eat hard boiled eggs and nuts. If you wanted to bring me something, why didn't you bring me a box of candy?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): They cost too much.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): What's that got to do with it?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): You didn’t pay me for the last box I brought you.

A reluctant Ollie spurns Stan's gift of food.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): This is my friend, Mr. Laurel.
Doctor (Billy Gilbert): I hope I find you well?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Thank you, ma’am.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): You know you can’t get them over that foot! Get the scissors and cut the leg off!
[Stanley looks as Oliver’s leg, poking it]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): The leg of the pants!

Scram

Judge (Richard Cramer): You're charged with vagrancy. Are you guilty or not guilty?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Not guilty, your Highness.
Judge (Richard Cramer): On what grounds?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): We weren't on the grounds, we were sleeping on the park bench.

An innocent Stan falls foul of the Judge's question.

Judge (Richard Cramer): If the jail wasn’t full, I’d give you both 180 days, but since the jail is full, I’m going to give you just one hour.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Thank you, sir.
Judge (Richard Cramer): To get out of town! And never let me set eyes on you again! Case dismissed.
Stanley (Stan Laurel):: Does that mean we can go back to sleeping on the park bench?

Judge (Richard Cramer): Scram! Or I’ll build a jail for you.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): What’s the matter, neighbor?
Drunk (Arthur Housman): I los’ the key to my car.
Stanley (Stan Laurel):: Can you find it?
Drunk (Arthur Housman): No. Thas’ why I’m lookin’…

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Is anybody home?
Drunk (Arthur Housman): Not a soul, only the wife.

Drunk (Arthur Housman): Isn’t this my house?
Butler: No, it is not!
Drunk (Arthur Housman): Maybe I’d better go, then.
Butler: Maybe you’d better!

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): See what a little kindness will do? If we hadn’t stopped to help him, we wouldn’t be in a spot like this!

Mrs. Beaumont (Vivien Oakland): Is my husband wet, too?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Wet? He’s soaked!

Pack Up Your Troubles

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well, looks like we’re in it. Gee, I wish I could go.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Go where?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Why to war!
Stan (Stan Laurel): Why can’t ya go?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): There you are, I knew you’d take that selfish attitude. I’d go in a minute if it wasn’t for my flat feet!

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): What do we do with this stuff?
Cook: What do you think you do with it? Take it to the General.

"We're not looking for him, we're just trying to find him."

Stan explains exactly to the policeman why they're looking for Mr Smith.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): This is your son’s baby.
Eddie “Steamboat”: Oh, blackmailers, huh?
[punches Ollie in the face]

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Hey, how much would you charge me to haunt a house?

Ollie's quip leaves the grim looking Official fuming.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Why didn’t you tell me it was you?
Stan (Stan Laurel): It was so dark, I didn’t think you would hear me.

[last lines]
Cook: Well… if it ain’t the snitchers.
[bends knife back causing it to make sound effect]
Cook: I’ve got my knife.
[chases Laurel & Hardy off-screen]

Their First Mistake

"Say listen. I just got a couple of tickets for tonight for the cement workers bazaar. Can you come along ? We might win a prize. They're giving away a steam shovel."

Stan tells Ollie what he has planned.

Stan: "You know, it's a well known fact that all the happiness in the home ... when you have a baby ... and ... and ... and there's a wife and ... you ... and ... the ... w .. baby ... it's a well known fact."

Ollie: "I'm beginning to think that you're right."

Stan: "You bet your life I'm right. You know, I'm not as dumb as you look."

The Boys contemplate adopting a baby to appease a wrathful Mrs Hardy.

Ollie: "What do you have to do with it? Why, you're the one who wanted me to have a baby." Stan: "Well, I can't be tied down to a baby. I have my future, . . my career to think about." Ollie: "Well, what about me? What will my friends say? I'll be . . . ostracized."

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): She says I think more of you than I do of her.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): [pause] Well you do, don’t you?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Let’s not get into that.

Stanley (Stan Laurel): I’m not as dumb as you look.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): What are you putting that cotton in your ears for?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): If I make a noise, I won’t be able to hear it.

Ollie: What did you strike that match for?
Stan: I wanted to see if the light switch was off.

Stanley (Stan Laurel): You woke the baby up.

Stanley (Stan Laurel): The baby’s crying.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Of course he’s crying. Will you put that floor lamp over here!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): But it won’t reach.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Certainly it won’t reach. You have to pull the plug out of the socket. Here
[hands him baby’s milk bottle]
Stanley (Stan Laurel): [immediately starts drinking from it]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): [grabs the cord and literally yanks it so hard that the socket casing comes out of the wall. A wierd noise is heard and a second later the socket casing hits him in the nose!] Ooooh!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): [startled spits out the milk he was drinking. The door phone starts ringing]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): [while making his way to the phone] Will you see if you can keep that baby quiet.
[answers the phone]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Hello?
[one-second pause]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): How do you expect us to keep this baby quiet with you ringing the phone!
[slams the reciver down so hard, that the phone nearly comes off the wall]

Towed In A Hole

"Well, if you caught a fish ... then whoever you sold it to, they wouldn't have to pay for it ... then the profits would go to the fish ..."

Stan explains his brilliant business plan to Ollie.

Twice Two

"Say listen. Ollie wants to take us out tonight to celebrate our university."

Stan tells his wife what Ollie has planned for their anniversary.

Me And My Pal

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): You know what a magnate is, don’t you?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Sure, it’s a thing that eats cheese.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Now why did you get two tickets to Chicago when you know that I wanted to spend my honeymoon in Sascatchewan.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Well the man said there was no such place as sus - -Swee - Sas…

[learning that Mr. Cucumber is on the phone]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): [to Stanley] You talk to him. Tell him I left 10 minutes ago. Go ahead!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): [goes to phone where Mr. Cucumber is angry] Hello?
Peter Cucumber (James Finlayson): Did you know you’re holding up this wedding? Keeping my daughter engaged for over half an hour? Where is Mr. Hardy?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): He’s right here, and he told me to tell you that we just left; 10 minutes ago.
[hangs up]
Peter Cucumber (James Finlayson): [makes his weird eye expression] Da-oh.

Ollie's well laid plans for a good excuse are toppled by Stan.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): [doorbell rings; to Hives] See who that is.
Hives, the butler: [to telegram messenger] See who that is.
Telegram messenger: [to policeman] See who that is.
Policeman: [to cabdriver] See who that is.
Cabdriver: [to Stan] See who that is.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): [to Oliver] See who it is.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): [doorbell rings again] Come in!

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): [shoving Stan] This is all your fault, bringing the jigsaw puzzle here in the first place.

Policeman: There’s a piece missing out of that puzzle and nobody leaves this place ‘til we find it.
Peter Cucumber (James Finlayson): What has that got to do with me?
Policeman: You’re going to be searched.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): You don’t understand, sir, that’s Mr. Peter Cucumber. The big oil magnate.
Policeman: I don’t care if he’s Mr. Dill Pickle, he’s going to be searched!

Peter Cucumber (James Finlayson): [taking the IN MEMORY wreath] I just might have some use for this.

Peter Cucumber (James Finlayson): What are you out to do, make me out a bigger fool than I look? Er, than I am?

The Midnight Patrol

Ollie: "We're just in a nick of time"

Stan: "What time is it ?"

Stan queries Ollie's exclamation.

Busy Bodies

"Would you mind opening the window ?"

Ollie's fingers are trapped in a window pane and his request to Stan to free them results in Stan opening another window.

Dirty Work

"I have nothing to say."

Ollie tries to remain dignified after having been blackened with soot and pushed off the roof by Stan.

Sons Of The Desert

Oliver Hardy: Now isn’t this nice?
Stan Laurel: It sure is. We’re just like two peas in a pot.

Oliver Hardy: To catch a Hardy they’ve got to get up very early in the morning.
Stan Laurel: What time?
Oliver Hardy: Oh about half past - “What time.” Hmph.

Stan Laurel: I’ve certainly got to hand it to you, Ollie.
Oliver Hardy: For what?
Stan Laurel: Well for the meticulous care with which you have executed your finely formulated machinations in extricating us from this devastating dilemma.
Oliver Hardy: Get in bed.
Stan Laurel: What?
Oliver Hardy: Get in bed. “Meticulous.” Hmph.

Oliver Hardy: Where is she?
Stan Laurel: Maybe she went to the mountains.
Oliver Hardy: I’ll bet she did. You know she makes me sick.
Stan Laurel: Well if she didn’t go to the mountains, then Mohammad would have to come here.

Oliver Hardy: Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.

Mrs. Lottie Hardy (Mae Busch): Have you anything else to say?
Oliver Hardy: Why no. That’s all there is. There isn’t anymore. Is there Stanley?
Stan Laurel: No, that’s our story and we’re stuck with it. In it.

Mrs. Lottie Hardy (Mae Busch): You’re going to Honolulu if you have to go alone.
Oliver Hardy: If I have to go to Honolulu alone
[Points to Stan]
Oliver Hardy: He’s going with me.

Oliver Hardy: That settles it! I’m not goin’ to Honolulu!
Mrs. Lottie Hardy (Mae Busch): [angrily] Oh, yes, you ARE going to Honolulu if you have to go alone!
Oliver Hardy: [pointing at Stan] If I have to go to Honolulu alone, he’s going with me!

Oliver Hardy: You’d better take my temperature.
[pointing]
Oliver Hardy: Get that thermometer.
Stan Laurel: The what?
Oliver Hardy: Thermometer! You’ll find it on the shelf.
[groaning]
Oliver Hardy: Ooh… ooh… ooh.
Oliver Hardy: [as Stan puts it in his mouth] Uh-um.
Oliver Hardy: [after Stan has taken his pulse] What does it say?
Stan Laurel: Wet and windy.

Mrs. Lottie Hardy (Mae Busch): [after the boys have rung the bell one time too many] What d’ya think this is? Halloween?
[to Ollie]
Mrs. Lottie Hardy (Mae Busch): Come in, you bad boy!

Oliver Hardy: Do you have to ask your wife everything?
Stan Laurel: If I didn’t ask her, I wouldn’t know what she wanted me to do.

Oliver Hardy: What did Betty say?
Stan Laurel: Betty said that honesty was the best politics.

Oliver Hardy: Now why did you get a veterinarian?
Stan Laurel: Well, I didn’t think his religion would make any difference.

A slight misunderstanding as Ollie's request for a Doctor gets him nowhere.

Oliver Hardy: Why didn’t you want to take the oath?
Stan Laurel: I was afraid.
Oliver Hardy: Of what?
Stan Laurel: I was afraid that if I took the oath, that my wife wouldn’t let me go. And the Exhausted Ruler said that if… you took an oath, it would have to be broken for… generations and… centuries of… hundreds of years and my wife would let…
Oliver Hardy: Do you have to ask your wife everything?
Stan Laurel: Well if I didn’t ask her, I wouldn’t know what she wanted me to do.
Oliver Hardy: Why don’t you pattern your life after mine? I go places and do things and *then* tell my wife. Every man should be the king in his own castle.

Oliver Hardy: I go places and do things, and then *then* tell my wife.

[on the telephone]
Mrs. Lottie Hardy (Mae Busch): Charley tells me you’re from Los Angeles. What part?
Oliver Hardy: All of me.

Mrs. Betty Laurel (Dorothy Christy): Stanley wouldn’t dare lie to me. I hate to think what would happen if he ever did.

Stan Laurel: You know, I may not be king of my castle, but I certainly wouldn’t allow my wife to wear any pants. I’d like to see my old woman throwing things. It’s disgraceful. Never heard of such goings off. On. If my old ball and chain ever talked to me… If she even dared… You know what I’d say?
Oliver Hardy: What?
Stan Laurel: I’d say…
[Sees Betty]
Stan Laurel: Hello, honey. I…
[Double takes]

Stan tells Ollie who the boss is in the Laurel household.

Stan Laurel: If you don’t be careful, she’s going to get the upper hand of you.

Mrs. Lottie Hardy (Mae Busch): I’ll show you, you Son of a Desert! Go to a convention on me, ha! ha!

Dr. Horace Meddick: What seems to be the trouble?
Stan Laurel: I think he’s suffering from a nervous shakedown.

Mrs. Lottie Hardy (Mae Busch): I haven’t heard from you since you sang in the choir.
Charley Chase: And you used to pump the organ, remember? You little old organ pumper, you!

Notes:

The role of Stan Laurel’s wife was originally slated for Patsy Kelly, but Hal Roach had loaned her to MGM for Going Hollywood (1933), which was running over schedule when shooting for this film began. Dorothy Christy joined the cast as Stan’s wife four days into filming.

Lillian DeBorba was drafted into filling a seat in the theatre sequence. She was on the lot with her little daughter Dorothy DeBorba who was “Echo” in the Our Gang comedies.

The “Sons of the Desert” theme song is a pastiche of several popular tunes, including “Give My Regards to Broadway.”

The movie’s line “Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.” was voted as the #60 movie quote by the American Film Institute (out of 100).

Three decades after the movie’s release, its motif inspired the creation of an “international Laurel and Hardy appreciation society,” named after the movie and created by Stan Laurel and his biographer John McCabe.

Stan Laurel reads the January 1930 issue of The American Magazine when at the Hardy residence.

Oliver The Eighth

"Well I couldn't help it, I was dreaming I was awake. And then I woke up and found myself asleep."

A sleepy Stan defends himself against why he fell asleep.

Going Bye Bye

"Excuse me please, my ear is full of milk."

Ollie apologises on the telephone after Stan passes him a tin of milk instead of the receiver.

Them Thar Hills

Stan: "What'll we have for dinner ?"

Ollie: "How about a plate of beans and a pot of steaming hot coffee ?"

Stan: "Swell ! You sure know how to plan a meal."

Stan compliments Ollie on his meal planning skills.

The Doctor (Billie Gilbert): That’s the worst case of gout I ever saw.
Ollie Hardy (Oliver Hardy): What causes it?
The Doctor (Billie Gilbert): Too much high living.
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): In that case we’d better move down to the basement.

The Doctor (Billie Gilbert): Remember, you can’t burn the candle at both ends.
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): We don’t burn candles, we’ve got an electric light.

Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Why don’t we get one of those trailers to hook on the back of your car. That’s much better than sleeping in a tent. Wouldn’t have to worry about flies.
Ollie Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Can you take one of those things up into the mountains?
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Sure, right up in the high multitude. What do you think?
Ollie Hardy (Oliver Hardy): We can’t afford to buy one of those trailers.
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): We don’t have to buy one, we could rent one. I know a fellow who’s got one for rent and I’ll bet we can get it for next to nothing. I’ll bet if we pay cash we can get it less than that. What do you think?

Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Your bath’s ready.
Ollie Hardy (Oliver Hardy): You know I can’t take a bath with this foot. And besides, it isn’t Saturday.

Ollie Hardy (Oliver Hardy): [They have arrived at a clearing up in the mountains] Isn’t this ideal?
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): It sure is. One month up here and we wouldn’t know each other. We’ve got a well and water and lot’s of it and everything.
Ollie Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Go in and ask the folks if they mind if we park here.
[Stan goes up to the door, knocks on it, it opens and the building is empty]
Ollie Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Anyone home?
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Not now but there was a minute ago.
Ollie Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Who was it?
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): It was me. You see I was knocking on the door and…
Ollie Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Nevermind the details. C’mon let’s get some food, I’m famished. “I was knocking on the door.” Hmph!

Mrs. Hall (Mae Busch): I’m so hungry I could eat a horse’s neck.
Ollie Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Get up, Stanley, let the lady sit down, and fix us something to eat. Where are you going?
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): I’m going to look for a horse.
Ollie Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Sit down!

Note for Them Thar Hills, starring Laurel and Hardy

Filming was moved from Santa Ynez Canyon to the Roach Studios lot when heavy fog put a stop to location filming.

The tune Hardy is humming in the trailer is “The Old Spinning Wheel.”

The Live Ghost

Stanley (Stan Laurel): Well, I heard the ocean is infatuated with sharks.

Stan gives his opinion about the high seas.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Not infatuated. He means infuriated.

Captain (Walter Long): If anybody ever mentions the word “ghost” to me, I’m gonna twist his head around so that when he’s walking north he’ll be looking south.

[over “dead” body]
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Do you think he’s in heaven?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): No. Most likely he’s gone to the other place. Get some coal. We’ll dump him overboard.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Do you gotta take your own coal with you when you go to the other place?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Certainly not. It’s to weight the sack down so it’ll sink.

Tit For Tat

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): I remember you!
Grocer (Charley Hall): And I remember you too. Now get out of my store and stay out!
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Oh, don’t be like that. Let bygones be bygones. Let’s help each other. You have a business, and we have a business. We’ll send people to your store, and you send people to our store. What do you say?
Grocer (Charley Hall): You mind your business and I’ll mind my business. Now get out before I throw you out!

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): My reputation: It has been ruthlessly dragged through the mud and mire. Never let it be said that a Hardy’s spotless reputation to be so maliciously tread upon.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): You’re right, Ollie; he who filters your good name steals trash.

Stan agrees that Ollie shouldn't let a slanderous remark pass without retaliating.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): You wanna get us arrested before the customers arrive?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): What time will they be here?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well they’ll be here about...”what time will they be here?” Why, customers come at any time!

[Oliver is on the windowsill on the second story of a store]
Stanley (Stan Laurel): What are you doing up there?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): I’m waiting for a streetcar.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Where are you going?

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Tit for tat.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): What?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Tit for tat.
[Stan tips his hat]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): What’s that for?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): I thought you said, “Tip me hat”.

The Fixer Uppers

"Say listen. If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right in the nose. And I'm just the fellow who can do it."

Stan tells Pierre exactly what he thinks of him.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Now, you’re right up our alley! We have a number here which I think is one of Stanley’s tenderest thoughts. Now, just listen to this: “A merry Christmas, husband/ Happy New Year’s nigh!/ I wish you Easter greetings/ Hooray for the Fourth of July!” Now, we call that our “four-in-one” card.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Yes, Ma’am. You can use it all the year ‘round.
Mrs. Pierre Gustave (Mae Busch): No, thanks. I’m still not interested.

Thicker Than Water

Stan: "Are you going to let her talk to you like that ?"

Ollie: "I certainly am not."

Stan: "I don't blame you. Why she talks to you like water off a ducks back."

After a run-in with Mrs Hardy, Stan offers some words of encouragement to Ollie.

The Bohemian Girl

"Do you believe me or believe what I see ?"

Stan justifies seeing Ollie's wife in the arms of another.

Our Relations

"We'll give 'em enough rope so we can hang ourselves."

A defiant Stan tells Ollie exactly what their plan to stay out all night will do for the wives.

Way Out West

Ollie to the Sheriff's wife: "A lot of weather we've been having lately."

"Her Father died and left her a goldmine. And we're not supposed to tell anybody but her."

Stan tries to keep a secret in front of a scheming James Finlayson.

Lola: "Tell me about my dear, dear daddy; is it true that he's dead?"

Stan: "Well, we hope he is, they buried him."

Stan's words of comfort fail to have the desired effect.

Lola : "Oh it can't be, what did he die of?"

Stan : "I think he died of a Tuesday, or was it Wednesday..."

Stan offers an alternative answer to Lola's question.

Ollie: "Every cloud has a silver lining."

Stan: "That's right, any bird can build a nest, but it isn't everyone who can lay an egg!"

The Boys console a devious Lola.

Stan (to Lola): "Now that you've got the deed, I bet you'll make a swell gold digger."

Swiss Miss

Ollie: "Well, this is your idea. Coming all the way from America to Switzerland to sell mousetraps. Whatever gave you that idea ?"

Stan: "Well, I thought there'd be more mice here than anywhere."

Ollie: "And just why should there be more mice here than anyplace else in the world ?"

Stan: "Well, don't they make more cheese here ?"

Stan reasons with Ollie as to why they're selling mousetraps in Switzerland.

Cheese Factory Propietor: Now I’ve an idea.
Oliver, Stan: You’ve an idea?
Cheese Factory Propietor: I’ll buy the whole business for five thousand gruel.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Why for you’re being so generous, we’ll throw in our mule.
Stan (Stan Laurel): You can’t do that, Ollie, don’t be such a fool.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): It’s my idea! It’s just an idea of my own.

Stan (Stan Laurel): How often do they fill those barrels?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Every time they become empty. What’s on your mind?
Stan (Stan Laurel): Huh?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): What’s on your mind.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Nothing.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): That brandy is put there for a humane purpose, and anyone that would stoop so low as to touch it without a just cause should be shot!
Stan (Stan Laurel): He certainly should!

Stan (Stan Laurel): I see a monkey.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): That doesn’t surprise me a bit

Anna: Are you afraid of me?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): No, ma’am.
Anna: Do you like me?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Yes, ma’am.
Anna: And you, do you like me?
[Stan looks around to see who she’s talking to]
No, you!

Stan (Stan Laurel): I’m not gonna go across that bridge.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): You just went across it!
Stan (Stan Laurel): I did?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Certainly!
[Stan looks down at what he just crossed over, and faints]

Anna: You’re so sweet. And I’ve never thanked you for getting me into this hotel.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): It was a mere nothing combined with a terrific pleasure.

Chef: I thought I told you two not to come back here!
Stan (Stan Laurel): [in disguise] Who?
Chef: You!
Stan (Stan Laurel): You know what? He thinks we’re us!
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): [laughs]
Stan (Stan Laurel): Isn’t that silly? We’re not us, we’re two other fellas, aren’t we?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Certainly!
Chef: I could pick you two out of a million.
Stan (Stan Laurel): I bet you couldn’t.
Chef: I bet I could.
Stan (Stan Laurel): I bet you couldn’t.
Chef: I bet I could!
Stan (Stan Laurel): Close your eyes. [Stan and Ollie run away while his eyes are covered]

Block-Heads

Mrs. Hardy: [adorably] And make that hour short.

James, porter: [Responding after Hardy asks if there’s anything in the newspaper] Here’s a story about a fella who spent twenty years in the trenches and didn’t know the war was over.

Oliver Hardy: [Laughing] Really?

James, porter: Yeah; here’s his picture

[shows Hardy the paper]

Oliver Hardy: [Looking at a photo of the grinning soldier] I can’t imagine anybody being that dumb.

Oliver Hardy: [Realizes the grinning soldier is Stan; does a massive take and grabs the paper back from Morton; looks directly into the camera] Oh, yes I can.

Stan Laurel: You remember how dumb I used to be?
Oliver Hardy: Yeah?
Stan Laurel: Well, I’m better now.

Stan Laurel: If you want me to go, I’ll stay as long as you like.

Ollie: "Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?"

Stan: "Well, you didn't ask me."

An exasperated Ollie questions Stan after having carried him for the last five minutes under the impression that Stan had only one leg.

Stan Laurel: How long did you say it would take us to get up there?
Oliver Hardy: Oh, just a jiffy.
Stan Laurel: How far is a jiffy?
Oliver Hardy: About three shakes of a dead lamb’s tail.
Stan Laurel: I didn’t think it was so far.

[repeated line]
Stan Laurel: There’s going to be a fight.

Stan Laurel: [to 901 guy] There’s going to be a fight.
Stan Laurel: [to bypassers] There’s going to be a fight.
Stan Laurel: [to guy going into apartment] Hey, there’s going to be a fight.
Stan Laurel: [to desk guy] You better call an ambulance. It’s going to be terrible. There’s going to be a fight.

Oliver Hardy, "Who do you think you're talking to?"
James Finlayson, "I'm talking to YOU! You big overstuffed pollywog!"
Oliver Hardy, "You smile when you call me that!"
James Finlayson, "HA!"

Oliver Hardy, "Now, if you want to apologize, it's all right with me!"
James Finlayson, "APOLOGIZE! HA! For what?"
Oliver Hardy, "For calling me an overstuffed pollywog! No man living can call me an overstuffed pollywog and get away with it!"
James Finlayson, "All right! All right! You're not an overstuffed pollywog!"
Oliver Hardy, "Well, that's better!"
James Finlayson, "You're an inflated BLIMP!"
Oliver Hardy, "That's different!"

Oliver Hardy: [Ollie’s house key, attached to his pants, is stuck in the lock, so to free Ollie, he had to remove his pants; Stan easily removes the key from the lock] Why didn’t you tell me you had the key out of the lock?
Stan Laurel: Well, you didn’t ask me.
Oliver Hardy: “You didn’t ask me”.
Stan Laurel: Gee, that’s pretty underwear.
Oliver Hardy: Don’t get personal.

Stan Laurel: Do you think your wife would mind if I smoked my pipe?
Oliver Hardy: Of course not. What’s all right with me is okay with her.
Stan Laurel: I know, but a lot of dames are particular.
Oliver Hardy: Well yes, but… What do you mean calling my wife a dame?

Mrs. Hardy: [coming back from store] So you were only going to be gone an hour!

Oliver Hardy: But, Dear, I haven’t seen Stan in 20 years.
Mrs. Hardy: I couldn’t see him in a hundred years.

Stan Laurel: What’s a knick-knack?
Oliver Hardy: Oh a knick-knack is a thing that sits on top of a whatnot.

The Flying Deuces

[Stan and Ollie have just heard that they will be executed the next day]
Oliver Hardy: Shot at sunrise!
Stan Laurel: I hope it’s cloudy tomorrow!

Stan Laurel: Well that’s that. No use crying over split milk.

Stan's words of comfort fail to have the desired effect when Ollie's intended turns down his marriage proposal.

Notes:

The sketch of Stan and Ollie in the first scene was drawn by Harry Langdon.

Stan and Ollie are thrown into a cell to await execution at sunrise. Stan discovers that he can strum his bed springs and play it like a harp. The music he plays is "The World is Waiting for the Sunrise".

On the set of this film, Oliver Hardy met his future wife, script supervisor Virginia Lucille Jones.

This is Laurel & Hardy’s only non-Hal Roach-produced film in which Stan Laurel had a hand in the writing and editing (as he had in the Roach films).

A Chump At Oxford

"You know what the trouble is don't you. We never had no education. That's whats the matter. You see, we're not illiterate enough."

Stan explains to Ollie why the Boys never get anywhere.

Oxford Student: "Pardon me but haven't you come to the wrong college ?"

Ollie: "Well, this is Oxford isn't it ?"

Oxford Student: "Yes but you're dressed for Eton."

Stan: "Well, that's swell, we haven't eaten since breakfast."

Stan demonstrates just how literate the Boys are.

Saps At Sea

Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): We must have been dis-unconnected.

Desk Clerk (Charlie Hall): [calling Oliver’s room] Mr. Laurel? There’s a Professor O’Brien here to see you.
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Oh, that’s swell! You know, he’s been expecting me.

Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Where’s the basement?
Desk Clerk (Charlie Hall): Downstairs.

Dr. Finlayson (James Finlayson): What you need is a complete rest. Plenty of peace and quiet. And a strict diet of goats milk.
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Do ghosts have milk?
Dr. Finlayson (James Finlayson): Not ghost, goat! G-O-oat! Goat!

Stan mis-hears Dr Fin's prescription for Ollie's hornophobia.

Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Wouldn’t that be fooling the doctor?
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Well, you can fool the doctor some of the time, but you can’t fool the doctor part of the time, because you’ll be fooling yourself all of the time.

Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Hey! Which way is the alley?
Desk Clerk (Charlie Hall): Out in the street.

Mrs. O’Riley (Mary Gordon): [rings Oliver’s apartment doorbell]
Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): [inside the bell rings, blows off the wall and hits Ollie in the head] Ooh!
[to Stan]
Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): See who that is!

Mrs. O’Riley (Mary Gordon): Having trouble, Mr. Hardy?
Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Trouble? Well, the room’s all topsy turvy.
Mrs. O’Riley (Mary Gordon): Well, just have a look at mine.
Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): [follows her into the apartment] All right.
Mrs. O’Riley (Mary Gordon): I don’t know what happened, I just went to my fridge this morning, and look what happened!
[opens it, and music starts playing. She shuts it after a moment]
Mrs. O’Riley (Mary Gordon): And that’s not all, just have a look at the radio.
[points to it, where it is covered with frost]
Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Oh! Well, I’ll give that guy a piece of your mind too.

Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): [shows horn] What’s the idea of bring this along?
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Oh, my professor said, if I don’t practice I might lose my lip.
Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Uh-huh, and if you do practice, you’ll lose your neck.

Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): The goat just went out.
Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Well, I don’t blame him!

Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): I’m going to call an officer and have you arrested!
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): I wouldn’t do that. Let’s get a cop, and he’ll get a policeman, and we’ll fix him up!
Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): You go ashore and attend to that, Stanley.

Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Somebody moved the dock.

Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Self-preservation is the last law of the ... average.
Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Dizzy, you amaze me.
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Thank you, Dopey.

Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Dinner! Oh, Mr. Nick? Dinner is served.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict (Richard Cramer): [enters and sits down] Well… looks good
[smells the fake dinner]
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict (Richard Cramer): smells good, and I better it probably tastes good.
Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): Oh, you’re going to like this. It’s just like mother used to make.
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): Oh, it’s better than that.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict (Richard Cramer): [grins] Well, if it’s that good,
[puts dinner on two plates and gives one to Stan, one to Ollie]
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict (Richard Cramer): you eat it.

Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict (Richard Cramer): Just like mother used to make, eh, Dopey?
Stanley Laurel (Stan Laurel): [nods weakly]
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict (Richard Cramer): Only better, right, Dizzy?
Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): [nods weakly]
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict (Richard Cramer): [smirks] Have a meatball, Dizzy.
Oliver Hardy (Oliver Hardy): [very weakly] Thank you.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict (Richard Cramer): [smirking] You’re welcome.

Notes:

Fans regard this as the last true Laurel and Hardy film. It was their last film done for Hal Roach. It would also be the last film in which they would have significant input.

James Finlayson’s and Charlie Hall’s final film with Laurel and Hardy.

The title was a pun on the 1937 film Souls at Sea (1937), starring Gary Cooper, but the two films otherwise have nothing in common.

Pardon Us
Ollie: "At last you're showing some intelligence. That's what comes from

associating with me."

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): What do you mean I got you into?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well, you sold that policeman that bottle of beer, didn’t you?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): I thought he was a streetcar conductor.

Desk Sergeant: What’s your name?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Stanley Laurel.
Desk Sergeant: Say “sir” when you’re addressing me. Now what’s your name?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Sir Stanley Laurel.
Desk Sergeant: What’s your name?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Oliver Norvell Hardy, sir.

Stanley (Stan Laurel): [they are wearing blackface] Oliver, er, Sambo!

Stanley (Stan Laurel): [gesturing to an African American cellmate and an Asian cellmate] Look, Amos and Andy.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): We’re not going to the mess hall. We’re not going to eat.
Prison Guard: You’re not going to eat?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): No, we’re on a hunger strike.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Imfatically.
Prison Guard: What? You’re going to pass up that nice, big roast turkey with chestnut dressing, and sweet potatoes Southern style, great big pans of hot biscuits, strawberry shortcake smothered in whipped cream, sprinkled with powdered sugar, with a nice, big maraschino cherry on the top of it. Course, followed by a nice, big slice of ice cold watermelon and a big, black cigar.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Any nuts?
Prison Guard: All you can eat of ‘em.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): How about postponing the strike until tomorrow?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Well… But not one minute after tomorrow.
Prison Guard: Come on, fall in!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): [later; Stan sees their meal of gruel] Hey! What about that turkey dinner?
Prison Guard: [shouts] Sit down, you!

Warden: [seeing Stan and Ollie for the first time]
[sadly]
Warden: My, my, and still they come. Let us begin with a perfect understanding. I am just as sorry to see you here as you are to be here. Keep one thing in mind, it all depends on you yourselves just how you’re going to fare during your stay here. Never forget that this is a prison, and in a prison, all the rules must be obeyed. Discipline is the one thing that must be observed. If you are good prisoners, everything will be okay. If you’re not, if you break the rules, then it will be just plain hell on Earth. Do you understand?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Yes, sir.
[tooth buzzes]
Warden: [begins to go ballistic] Wha...!
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): It was his tooth…
Warden: [shouts] Shut up, you! Put them in cell 14!
Prison Guard: But not in with The Tiger, sir.
Warden: [shouts] Put them in Cell 14! Get them out of here before I lose my temper!! Talking to the warden like that! A fine piece business. Convicts talking to the warden.
[shouts]
Warden: Why, I’ll take those men, I’ll break them! I’ll put them in Cell 14. I don’t care who’s in there! What I’ll do with them.

Stanley (Stan Laurel): [after getting their prison pictures taken] If they turn out good, can I have one?
Prison Guard: Come on, get out of here!

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): When are you going to get that tooth fixed? Every time you speak you make a funny noise. It sounds like a pipe organ.

Prison Guard: Clowning, eh?

Insurgent Convict: Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you doing there? Keep off of my head!
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Pardon me, I’m a stranger here.

The Tiger: Put’er there. Ha ha ha. You’re the first guy who had the nerve to raspberry The Tiger. I like a guy that does that.

The Tiger: Ha ha, hey, you and me is gonna be good pals.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Thank you.
[tooth buzzes]
The Tiger: Hey, I heard you the first time. Now don’t take advantage of my good humor. But if you do…
[starts to strangle Stan]

Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): You spell “Needle”!
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): [pause] N-E-I-D-L-E.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): There is no “I” in needle!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Then it’s a rotten needle.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Now, what is a comet? You!
Prisoner: A comet. A comet is a star with a tale on it.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Correct.
[points to Stan]
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Name one.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Rin Tin Tin.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): D’oh!

Prison Guard: They disappeared as if the earth had completely swallowed them.
Warden: Don’t worry about those two babes in the woods. Use the bloodhounds. Those hounds never fail. Why they’ll trail them so straight, it will be a cinch. Those hounds are ferocious. They’re killers. Ha ha ha ha, I’d like to see their faces when they see those hounds. Now hop to it.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): [Stan and Ollie are wearing blackface] They’ll never recognize us in a 100 years. For once in your life you’ve hit up on a good idea.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): A practical idea.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): What about the tooth? The buzzer.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Oh, I fixed that too. I vulcanized it.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): You what?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): I vulcanized it. I put some chewing gum in there and it don’t buzz any more.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): You’re actually using your brain. That’s what comes from associating with me.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): What do you mean associa-
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Tut tut tut tut.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Tut tut tut tut?

[last lines]
Warden: My boys, and you are my boys, I hold in my hand the pardons for both of you. This is the state’s gesture in showing it’s appreciation of your bravery. It was the firing of the signal shots in the mess hall that saved us from a disaster of cataclysmic dimensions.
[Stan and Ollie stare blankly; Warden hands them their pardons]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Thank you, sir.
Warden: Now go, begin life a new. Forget this. Let this episode here be just a hiatus to be obliterated from your memory. And don’t forget that I’m your friend. Anything that I can do to help you start where you left off, call on me at any time.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Thank you.
[to Stan]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): We’ll start all over again.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): We certainly will.
[To Warden]
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Can we take your order for a couple of cases?
[Tooth buzzes]
Warden: Why you...!
[Stan and Ollie run from the office; screen fades to black; “THE END” appears on screen]

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): [at the prison dentist] Who ever heard of a dentist hurting you these days? Why, you won’t even feel it.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): You won’t feel it, but how about me? How about those other fellows?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Ha ha ha ha, they were only laughing.
[sits down in dentist chair beside Stan]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): You know, there are times when you try my patience. There’s nothing do it. It’s all in your mind. Now just sit back and… Relax. Why they could pull every tooth in my head and I wouldn’t even feel it.
[The dentist accidentally sets to work on Ollie’s teeth; Ollie yelps in pain]
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Why didn’t you tell him?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): I thought you were laughing.

Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): We will now have the role call. Those that are here will answer “present”. Those that are not here will say “absent”.

Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): We shall now have an intelligence test. Who was Columbus?
Prisoner: The mayor of Ohio.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): [pause] What did he do?
Insurgent Convict: He died.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Well, of course he died. Who killed him?
The Tiger: Clark Robbins.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Who said *that*?
The Tiger: I did.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): [pause] Correct.

Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): What is a blizzard?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): A blizzard? A blizzard is the inside of a buzzard.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Fresh, huh?
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): How many times does three go into nine?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): ...Three times.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): Correct.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): And two left over.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): [nods; Ollie begins to giggle] What are you laughing at?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): There’s only one left over.
Schoolteacher (James Finlayson): D’oh!

Prison Guard: [placing the boys in solitary confinement] This is your suite.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Have you got the time?
[Stan is shoved inside the hole and the door is locked]
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Ollie?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): What?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): I wonder how long we’re going to be in here.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Oh, about two months I guess.
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Gee, that’s a month apiece.

Warden: So they wanted a showdown, did they? They wanted a fight into a finish, did they? Well by the livin’ Lucifer, THEY’RE GOING TO GET IT! Go on now, hop to it.

Notes:

Four foreign language versions were also shot: Sous les verrous (1931) (French), Hinter Schloss und Riegel (1931) (German), Muraglie (1931) (Italian) and “De Bote en Bote” (Spanish). Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy spoke their lines phonetically, and many supporting roles were recast, including Boris Karloff playing “The Tiger” in the French version.

Several scenes were shot but deleted from the final theatrical print, which ran 56 minutes. The first ending showed the boys in gray-bearded old age reminiscing about their misadventures.

Cameo: [Hal Roach] [Marching in front of Oliver Hardy after his recapture.]

Director Cameo: [James Parrott] [Marching next to Oliver Hardy after his recapture.]

Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy’s first feature-length film. Producer Hal Roach had wanted to use some of the sets left over from MGM’s big-budget prison picture The Big House (1930) to do a prison-movie spoof, but discovered that it would be too expensive to make as a short subject.

The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Where were you born?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): I don’t know.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Fancy not knowing where you were born!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Well, I was too young to remember.

Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Didn’t you once tell me that you had an uncle?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Sure, I’ve got an uncle. Why?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Now we’re getting somewhere. Is he living?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Was he building a house?
Stanley (Stan Laurel): No, they were hanging him.

Stanley (Stan Laurel): Three million dollars! Is that as much as a thousand?
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Why, man alive! It’s TWICE as much!
Stanley (Stan Laurel): Gee whiz!

Stanley (Stan Laurel): Septober… Octember… No wonder.

Notes:

This is the first short film in which Oliver Hardy says to Stan Laurel, "Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!"

· Like other early talkies, this film was re-shot in other languages, with casts who spoke the language and Stan & Ollie learning their lines phonetically. In one of the foreign-language versions, but not the English version, the butler is played by Boris Karloff.

Thanks to: Retrocities and Clown Ministry

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Memorable quotes from the Laurel & Hardy films

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